Emergent
by Sukeytawdrey
Summary: I shed my cocoon piece by piece and Emerge. As I'm meant to be. So, this story just hit me as I was driving around farmland. Maybe a bit original. Divergent meets Breaking Amish? She was raised in a sheltered Amish community. Beatrice Plank doesn't know if it's brave or cowardly. She has no plan. No friends. She just knows that she has to go. Good luck and be brave, Tris!
1. Chapter 1

**AN- So this is me, losing my mind. A few weeks ago, I read Divergent (yeah, yeah, about time) I fell in love with Fourtris. Just in love. I don't know why. I can't even think of another fictional pairing that has affected me? Maybe Chris and Kim from Miss Saigon? Anyway... Then I read Insurgent. OK. Then I read Allegiant. I won't go there. I needed to repair my broken heart. I turned here. I was only vaguely aware of this vast world of brave writers but I started reading. Obsessively. All types of stories. Except AU. It really holds no appeal to me. So, naturally, that's what I'm writing. LOL**

**Yeah. I've lost my mind. Or maybe a slightly premature midlife crisis.**

**Anyway...**

***deep breath***

**Oh! PS, you might have noticed that these characters are familiar. Yeah. I actually didn't make them up. Surprise! Veronica Roth did. They're hers, not mine.**

Chapter 1.

-thinking-

I thought I was ready to fit in. To learn to be a responsible adult. Wife. Mother.

I thought that I wanted to fit in. To make my parents happy. To make Robert happy.

Now, as I feel walls closing in… I think that I was just too scared to think

The wedding clock on the mantle chimes 7. The sun is setting behind the horse shed. Mamm serenely smiles as pulls pies from the oven and watches Datt and the boys heading in. It's dinner time again. Are we always eating or cooking or cleaning up from cooking and eating? It seems so. Why can't I just be happy to nurture my loved ones like she is? It used to be fun to care for the young ones. Now they're older and the routine is just... old.

I set the last serving plates on the table as my young sister, Miriam, tucks a spoon into each one. Peas, corn, boiled potatoes, sausage, ham. I wipe my hands on the black apron that hides my navy blue dress- and my slight boyish figure- and sit down for grace. I can't help but stare at my hands folded over my apron. I remember the vain pride I felt as a grew old enough to wear the same simple full dress and black cape and apron as my mother and the teenaged girls giggling as they watched the boys. I felt honored to be a part of this tradition of practical clothes, practical rules. I felt honored when a practical boy showed interest in me. Honored and surprised. I didn't expect to be courted anytime soon, and really, our few chats couldn't be considered courting, but I know my parents have high expectations. It's no secret that Caleb, older than me by a mere 11 months, is planning to marry Susanna. Susanna who is tall and curvy, like a healthy farm girl. The kind of girl who a boy expects to be a hardworking wife and nurturing mother.

I think back to Saturday at the greenhouses, when Hayley finished her break but left her magazine behind. I hear the non-Amish girls worrying about their figures and girls in magazines so I took a peek to see what their concern is. It took me a moment to see past the skimpy clothes and lacy bras that were pictured and to see the women themselves. I noticed slim waists and a few visible bones like mine, but even skinny non-Amish girls have curves. I let out a sigh. My mother looks at me sharply. Oops. I sighed out loud and interrupted a conversation between Datt and Caleb. Ughh. Marcus Miller and his farm again. Datt wants Caleb to accept Marcus's offer for him and Susanna to live in the main house while he retires to the smaller grandparents' cottage. It seems fair after all that Caleb has done to keep his farm running after his son disappeared. I don't know what the fuss is. It's so unlike Caleb to argue with Datt but I guess Susanna really dislikes him although she normally has so much respects for our community elders. "…understand myself, Datt, but Susanna went to the Elm Hill School with Tobias. She says that he was always bruised and that when she and her mother would go to his house with meals that… I don't know but he scares her…" Caleb goes on as I slip back into my thoughts. I remember the scandal a couple years ago when Marcus's son turned 16 and left his widowed father alone. We thought that he would return after a few days of fun and testing the world but he never did. Marcus's preaching became stronger after that as he advocated for youth to join the church at 16 and stay home until marriage. I was certainly convinced to shut my eyes tighter against the tempting world, which was easy in my sheltered home, but now…I'm not so sure… I think about the Saturday job that my newly married Aunt Lydia gave me at the greenhouses and the girls that I work with. Datt cautions me to avoid conversation with them but Hayley and Nora seem respectable and polite. They also seem happy and fun.

I find myself clearing the table. I don't even remember eating my meal but sure enough, it's gone. As I place the warm pies on the table, I hear a knock on the door. Datt answers it and I hear a shy voice say "Beatrice Ann". Datt exchanges a glance with my mother, and smiles at me. "Shsh. I'll get that." says Mamm as she takes the knife from my hand. I head towards the front door, pausing for only a moment. "Save some rhubarb for me!" I toss over my shoulder, loudly. Too loudly, Caleb's expression says clearly. As Hayley would say, "Whatever." I mutter and guiltily giggle at myself.

I find Robert sitting stiffly on the porch swing and sit next to him, my bare toes tracing circles on the clean porch. At first, I smile at the welcome distraction, then I realize that it's not really a distraction at all. Didn't we just do this the other night? And isn't Robert still talking about the same thing? I tune out the one sided debate on Honey Crisp apples vs Gala and bee hives and stare at the stars. I wonder about all the things the stars see as they stare back. I know that Robert means well and we've been friends for years but I don't see why that obligates me to marriage. Then again, I'm not even sure if he's actually interested in me anyway. He certainly doesn't sit like I imagine an interested person would. I think of my parents, never actually affectionate, but comfortable as they sit together. I wonder if I should have read that article in Hayley's magazine. "How to Tell if He's Into You" I start to giggle again and notice Robert looking at me oddly. Really oddly. "So, is that a yes? You want me to drive you to the singing tomorrow night?" What?! I thought that we were talking about apples! He wants to drive me to singing? Like an official couple? I hesitate. "Why of course. Ja. That would be nice." Would it? Would it be nice? I don't know but I guess I'll have to find out.

My family pretends not to notice or smile at me as I walk in. That's a relief because I can't figure out if I'm happy or nauseous. I say goodnight and head upstairs to the room I share with Miriam. After washing my face in the bowl on our dresser and changing into a flannel nightgown, I slip into our bed. Miriam sighs and pushes closer to me. I pull her thumb from her mouth; 5 years is long enough, Mamm says; and kiss her head. I think that being a mother must be a beautiful thing. Maybe that's what I want more than anything.


	2. Chapter 2

**So, I published the first chapter and although I realize that it hasn't worked its way through the computer red tape to the menu, I'm a bit nauseous. What am I thinking? Might as well plunge ahead. I tried to get a head start before publishing, just to see if I really could.**

**So. Here goes with the next bit :/ Hope it's OK- I'll take constructive criticism but please nothing that's just plain mean- if I want that, I'll go back to my last job, LOL.**

**Not my characters, I'm only here by the grace of Veronica Roth. Especially since some of her scenes just can't be improved on.**

Chapter 2

-acting-

Thurs

Oh my, oh my, oh my. It's almost time for Robert to pick me up. I sit on the porch and adjust my bonnet, tucking in that stray strand of blond hair that always seems to work its way out of my bun and over my ears. I take a deep breath and tell myself that I'm happy. Caleb has already left with his open top buggy to get Susanna. I hear the clip clop of horseshoes heading towards our tree lined drive. I hear tight panting. Then, I hear the sound of running across the yard. I'm holding up my skirt with one hand and securing my bonnet in the other and running faster than I have run since finishing school 4 years ago. I'm not sure where I'm running or why. I only know that I don't want to remain here another moment. I know that I don't want to be found. I take cover in the nearby tree line and run down the hill. When I get to the fence between our fields and the Lapps', I lean against it and realize what I've done. What a rude thing to do to Robert. What a terrible thing to do to Mamm and Datt and Miriam and my brothers. What a…what am I going to do now? I sit on a large rock and bury my hands in my face. I rummage through my plain black purse for a handkerchief and my fingers touch a battered piece of folded paper. "How to Grow Blueberries" is printed across the front. Printed on the back in loopy purple letters is the address and phone number of the apartment that Hayley and Nora share near the university. I wonder. How serious were they when they asked if it's true that Amish youth are free to have some wild months before joining the church and told me that I could stay with them if I ever wanted to venture out. I scrunch my nose and pinch the bridge of it while I think. I doubt they were serious. Maybe they were even mocking me. I made it clear that day that it was too late. My baptism was done. They smiled and gave me the paper anyway. "Come over to lunch sometime." Hayley had said. "We'd love to show you our little veggie garden." Nora had added. It's too late for lunch. Too late to be free before baptism. Too late to just go home as if nothing happened tonight.

Pinch nose.

Deep breath.

Be brave.

Walk towards town.

I feel ridiculous standing here on a porch in a college town wearing my long gray dress, shawl, and stiff bonnet. I consider taking off my bonnet, stockings, and apron but I realize that I would actually look no less conspicuous to the people in town but much more suspicious to any Amish that might be here running errands. Luckily, there aren't many people around. The town seems quiet. I knock, and receive no answer. The house seems strangely still. I notice a large stack of mail peeking out of the box on the front porch and then I notice the sign on the bookstore across the street "closed for Spring Break" Oh no! Nora had mentioned this. She was going to New Jersey to visit her family. Hayley had said something about the beach. "I think I'm too old for that" Nora had said, "but knock yourself out" There were whispers and giggling. They won't be back for days.

Pinch nose

Now what?

Be brave.

I glance up and down the street and notice a coffee place is open. I think that sounds like a safe, normal place to go. Not sinful but too extravagant for Amish eyes. I order some kind of…coffee…I guess and sit down in the back to think. Suddenly, the world is spinning around me and I rush to the bathroom. I think I might be sick but instead, I just cry. After a few minutes, I look up into the mirror. I don't spend a lot of time checking my reflection at home but even if I did, I doubt that I'd recognize this girl. Instead of the orderly, slim, young looking almost 18 year old that I expect to see, I see a girl with a face that's pink, puffy, and looks about 12. More hair has flopped over my ears and wiggled out from the back of my bun. My bonnet is tilted to the left. My apron is dirty and torn. So much for looking inconspicuous. I burst into tears all over again but this time they are tears of anger. I feel angry at everything. Me for being stupid, Nora and Hayley for being out of town, the stupid college for closing, and my family for being Amish. I pull the pins out of my apron and remove it, then the cape that covers my… well, rather, should cover my bosom, if I had one. I pull off my bonnet and white head-covering and throw them. The covering flutters uselessly but the plastic reinforced bonnet makes a satisfying thud against the wall next to the door. At that moment, the door has opened and a surprised face with a dark complexion dodges the wrathful bonnet. "Well…ehrmm…OK…" The girl looks at me with curiosity. I notice that she can't be much older than me. "What the he…um…sorry…what did that hat do to you?" she asked as I attempt the shove the offending garment into the trash can after the apron. I wish that she would just go away or ignore me but it's clear that she has no intention on missing the show. "It's. Not. The. Bon. Net. It's. Me." I huff as I try to pound it into the small opening in the lid. "Well, Yeah. Obviously something is up with you." She said as she calmly lifted the entire lid off the can for me. Helpful but also not. Why is she here? Doesn't she have to pee or something? She turns to the mirror and pulls a large bag from her purse. After applying lipstick and poking at her eyelashes, she reaches in and pulls out a small white bottle. "Here. This will help your red eyes. Mine are watering just looking at them. I'd offer you some powder and eyeshadow, but I guess you…I thought so." She added as I shook my head, partly in confusion.

"Yo! Christiiina. You look fine, hurry uuu…" a girl with a shaved head bursts in as…Christina?...is squeezing one last drop into my eye. "OK. I give. What's with Laura Ingalls?"

Christina? Laughs. "Lynn this is my new friend…ummm…well, she's my new friend. Take it down a notch. I don't think she's having a good day."

"Yeah. Whatevs. Hi Laura. Look, Chris, the guys are ganging up on Marlene out there. The chick needs more backup than I can provide" Just like that, she was gone.

"Beatrice Ann." I barely whisper. "hmmnnn?" Christina is actually pulling pins out of my hair. How did I not notice? Who does she think she is? "My name's not Laura," I laugh, getting the joke. "It's Beatrice Ann." "Christina." She smiles, her short hair flipping as she turns. "Now come on. It doesn't look like you should be alone and it doesn't look like you have anyone else at the moment." My head is spinning in confusion and pounding from tears but I shrug. She's right.

Christina grabs my hand and pulls me over to a large round table in the corner. "Scoot." she orders a young man as she playfully hits his thigh. "We have an addition to our group! Meet Beatrice!" The others look at me curiously as she rattles off names but it's all a blur. "Bea is having a bad day" she informs them "Tell us what's going on" She pushes a coffee and muffin in my direction. I wonder why they care or what they want with me. I'm naïve but I'm not stupid. I know this is weird. The pretty girl in the middle laughs. "Look, we're not going to bite or anything. It's just a slow evening in a small town with nothing new and nothing to do and we…you…" "An Amish girl, throwing a tantrum in a coffee shop bathroom." Christina interrupts. "This is new. And intriguing. So…spill"

How do I tell them if I don't know? And why should I? I pinch my nose to think and before I know it, the words are spilling out. I'm shocked when I get to the end and see them looking at me with sympathy. Maybe even understanding? No. It can't be. How could they possibly understand me? We're nothing alike. Still, they aren't making fun of me. Not even Lynn.

Lynn. Lynn looks a bit teary. She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. "Hey. We've all been there." Christina laughs. "You've tried to cram a bonnet into a trashcan?" We all laugh together. It's nice. For a moment I forget my dilemma. Just then the boy in the middle, the one who laughed the loudest, picks up cellphone and smacks the table. "Ok, guys. They're home. Let's get going"

Oh. Right. My dilemma. Better get thinking on that. I stare at the spoon in front of me, wondering if it has any answers.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm still not the creator or owner of these fabulous characters. I'm still not Ms. Roth.**

**I'm still nauseous.**

_-Somewhere else-_

Half the table starts to get up but Christina starts fluttering her fingers at them. "Wait up." She turns to me. "Do you need us to drive you somewhere? That guy's house? Your house?" I smile and shake my head. "No thanks. I don't think I can go back now. Not after what I've done. I'm 17. I'm an adult. I'm going to have to work this out myself." The laughing boy pipes up "Besides, she doesn't have a bonnet anymore. We've seen her hair. Scandalous." Maybe I should be offended but I laugh more than I have in a long time. I think that somewhere else we could have been friends. "So it's settled?" The boy next to Christina looks bored. "Yes. Settled." she replies. "We're taking you somewhere else"

"Ugh. I guess we should have brought separate cars." The sandy haired boy- Will? I'm pretty sure his name is Will- scratches his eyebrow thoughtfully with his keys. "Oh, well. I guess we pile in. Uri, ride shotgun. The girls are slim enough to fit in the back." That's right. Uriah. "What?" protests Uri. "Chris can sit up there. I'm riding in the back with all the single ladies." Will swats the back of Uri's head and points to the front seat. We climb into the back while Uri sings softly about single ladies. "Just ignore the misogynist jerk." Lynn rolls her eyes and Uri pouts. He looks so much like my 6 year old brother that I laugh again. I vaguely wonder if there is a dictionary wherever we're going so I could look up "misogynist." These people are my age but smart, like Nora and Hayley. I feel self-conscious of my accent… and the frumpy gray dress.

We ride for about 10 minutes, the others singing along to loud music, and pull into a driveway heading towards and old farm house. It nearly looks abandoned. I feel my heart quicken. Again, I'm naïve but not stupid.

I take a deep breath and hope everything is OK.

My options are limited.

Be brave.

I focus on the light streaming from the windows and the laughter we can hear inside. Without knocking, my companions burst in, pulling me behind. I'm introduced to Zeke and Shauna. "We're heading to the barn tonight. Just hang out while we wait for the others. They probably haven't left the tavern, yet." Shauna tells her friends. Oh, my. How many people must I meet tonight? I'm reminded of my headache. Zeke notices my hand on my head. "Looks like someone could use a Tylenol." he observes, pulling a bottle from a cupboard. "I guess we'll let you slide this time and just have water." I'm a bit confused as he winks but Shauna smacks his rear end and walks me to the… is this a barn? I notice a battered couch, a few chairs and huge pillows on the floor, a TV turned on in a corner, and…a trampoline? Seriously, it takes a lot to pull my curiosity from a TV but a trampoline can do it. Are there kids here? I think of my younger brothers bouncing on a trampoline at home and miss them. Just then, Uriah comes running in, briefly touches down on a coffee table, then the trampoline bouncing into a flip. He then heads over to a high counter on the side and pours one of many bottles into a red plastic cup. A few more pours and everyone has one. Shauna waved away the cup he offered to me. "She just took Tylenol, moron." I'm relieved. Even though Caleb, Susanna, and some other friends have tried alcohol, I haven't and I don't feel ready tonight. I do look at the trampoline longingly. I was too old when the neighbors passed their trampoline on to our family and never tried. I notice that age doesn't seem to matter as much here. Reading my mind, Lynn grabs my hand and pulls me to a ladder built into the beams and columns of the old barn. She climbs up, pulls herself over a rafter, and jumps. "Lynn, c'mon, take it easy on her. She probably doesn't want to climb up th…" But it's too late. I had scrambled up the ladder and was already sitting on the rafter. I remembered being a little girl, climbing haylofts with Caleb, Susanna, Robert, and my brother Reuben. Setting up secret hiding spaces among the bales and looking for the latest litters of kittens.

My flying dress didn't occur to me until I was falling. I vaguely hear cheering. I bounced near the edge of the net twice before landing with a thud on the wood floor next to the trampoline. I giggled and modestly tried to push my skirt over my legs as I opened my eyes.

My giggle is caught in my throat. A hand is reaching out towards me. A serious, but handsome face with blue eyes, showing a hint of laughter. Dark hair. Beautiful blue eyes. Bright wedding dress blue, not grayish blue like my own… Wedding dress blue? That's what you're thinking? I chastise myself. He helps me into a sitting position and another face appears over his shoulder. My attention is immediately drawn to her striking dark hair and the three silver rings in her eyebrow…ouch?...

"Can't believe it." She glances up at the others. "You brought her here? You brought an Amish girl here? You know we're not exactly a good moral example. Her head's going to explode!" He's still holding my hand as I get to my feet. "There's probably a reason she left them, Lauren." She shrugs and holds up a large bag. "Who's hungry?" I realize that I am.

We sit in a circle on furniture and floor. I'm nestled in a large pillow called a beanbag and I notice the blue eyed boy sitting next to me. He reaches out his arm and asks my name. I stammer for a moment and he seems to sense my inner battle as it continues to shift me into a new person. He almost smiles. "Take a minute to think about it. You don't get to pick again." That's all the encouragement I need. "Tris." I say, my heart happy with my decision. He introduces himself as Four. I'm sure my face shows my confusion. Zeke laughs. "Well, when Uri and I were growing up, Will lived next door. The two were best friends but always following me around. In my business." Uri makes a face at him. "Mom called us the Three Amigos. Then he moved in." A nod towards Four. He was always evasive about telling us his name and Mom got tired of trying to guess if he was going by Thomas or Brian each day so she started calling him Four. The fourth amigo." Ending his story, Zeke hands me something wrapped in paper from Lauren's bag. I unwrap it and find some sort of tiny salad on top of a pile of meat. It's contained in some type of yellow shell that I notice the others crunching into. I poke it, discreetly, I hope. Not discreetly enough. I feel a nudge from Four. "It's a taco. Here, try it with sour cream. It cuts down the spice. I think you'll like it better." I notice Christina's surprised look. "You've never had a taco?" "Plain homebodies eat plain homemade food." Four explains. Umm. Thanks? I wonder to myself. "So there is a reason you left." Lauren grins. "Ja." I make a face. "It was because of the food." I hear a few laughs. Maybe even Four's. Christina gives me a supportive wink.

The minutes melt into hours. I feel blue eyes scrutinizing me as I try moving to the music that these youths like. I feel myself learning to like it. When I turn around again, he's gone. "Wow. It's getting late." Shauna notes. "I'm ready to turn in." I look around at the chaos and start gathering the mess. "Leave it. It's not going anywhere." Uri drapes an arm around me and pulls me away. Christina must sense my discomfort at the physical closeness and pushes her way between us, an arm over each of us. It was just enough to break the awkwardness before Will charges and scoops her up as he runs between us towards the house. Uri laughs and follows with Marlene over his shoulder. I hesitate. Lynn and Lauren motion me along as Shauna and Zeke turn off music and lights and slide the heavy doors shut.

This time, as we walk into the shabby old farmhouse, I notice it. I see the simple beauty and strong craftsmanship beneath the chipped paint and peeling wall paper. Zeke notices my curiosity. "Yup. There's a lot to be done. This used to be a bed and breakfast. My gram ran it, then my aunt. When she left my uncle he had to close it. He stopped caring for the house and himself. After he drank and drugged his liver to death, our mom got it. It's too far gone to reopen so she pretty much gave it to us. As long as we pay taxes and utilities- and don't let it get worse- she's content."

"So. Shauna and I have a suite, Four has a suite, Lauren has one,…" "Oh! So they don't share?" I wonder to myself before I answer back "Who cares and that means nothing. Just because they aren't Amish doesn't mean they always live together" "…then Uri and Will each have a suite picked out for after graduation in a few months. They use them occasionally over weekends. Down here," he opens the door to a room where Lynn and Marlene are sitting on air mattresses "is our crash pad. Some times its empty, sometimes we cram 20 people in here." He laughs and I'm not sure if he's serious or joking. "Help yourself." He opens a storage closet with extra blankets and pillows and a basket full of miniature toiletries. I'm suddenly relieved to see a toothbrush. What Dumbkopf runs away from home without a toothbrush? He's almost out of the door when he turns and smiles, then abruptly frowns. I'm uncomfortable as I see him look me over…

"Shaun!" He yells. "What as…. I'm right here." She appears from the hall and smacks his bottom again. "Well, ummm…" he stammers still looking at me. "Maybe she needs some PJs or something? I'll leave you gals alone. G'night!" Shauna suddenly looks at me as if she's noticing me for the first time. What's with these people? "What the hell?" She winces and apologizes. I just shrug and smile. Wasn't I just practically thinking the same about her? "Are those… pins… in your dress? Eeek. Can't have you sleep in that!" she adds as I nod. She disappears and returns with a tee shirt and shorts. Short satiny shorts. I can't be rude. I thank her and slip into the nearby bathroom to wash my face and change. I take a moment to relish the warm running water and flush toilet. A girl could get used to this.


	4. Chapter 35 and 4

**I will not swith POV often. I don't even think I cn write one character in the right voice, but this time, I had to.**

**Blah blah, still anxious, blah blah, a little queasy, blah, blah, I own nothing but a 30 year mortgage. : /**

_-Four-_

I call it an early night and head to my rooms. I take a quick shower and do a few push-ups. I'm tired but not nearly sleepy. My mind is a jumble. Ever since I rounded the corner and saw that blond and gray blur. It wasn't until the second bounce that I registered that it was a girl. Only Lynn jumps from that rafter. I saw her shift position in the air and knew that the next impact was going to be the floor. I cringed but knew I was too far away to catch her. There was a thud and a long silence that must have been less than a second as I crossed the room. As I bent over in concern, her eyes popped open with a flash of soft, muted blue and her lips popped open in laughter. I smile in relief and reach for her. Holding her small warm hand in mine.

I hear Lauren's incredulous voice behind me and can't help snapping to her defense. There must be a reason she left them. I wonder what it is. I hope someday, she'll trust me and tell me. There's time for that. No one here is going to scare her off. I can see that she's going to fit in just fine.

I was glad for the opportunity to get a seat next to her. She's familiar but a complete stranger. I hope I don't seem familiar to her. Not yet. I want to know her name and yet I want her to know that it's time to shape her own future. Tris. I think Zeke is talking but I'm lost in a reel of memories. Tris. Beatrice? There was a Beatrice Ann, wasn't there? Caleb's sister. I feel relief as I realize she must be older than she looks. I was starting to feel guilty for enjoying holding her hand. I'm sure I remember her. My mind's eye catches glimpse of a little girl in blond braids walking across a fence. A skinny blonde with blue eyes rolling in exasperation as she pulls her younger brother out of the way of our baseball game.

I do remember seeing her but I don't think that I ever noticed her. I'm sure that no one would have noticed her there. Here, she comes alive.

_-awakening-_

I yawn and grumble as I wake up. For a moment I'm baffled and then yesterday's events come rushing over me. Ohhh. Beatrice Ann, what have you done? Beatrice? I shake my head, remembering. Tris. I asked him to call me Tris. I move to push the covers off of me but realize that the other two girls are fast asleep. The big house is silent although the sun is rising. Here, I may sleep in.

I wake up again. The sun is more inistant. A clock on the wall says 10. I lie in bed and ponder yesterday. By now my family is long awake and working. Eli, John Amos, and Samuel are in school. When did they realize that I had truly left? I feel the most guilt for Mamm and Miriam. I feel closest to them and I regret that they now must pick up the burden of my chores. I feel the need to get up. Take action. Despite a lifetime of resenting meal preparation, I find that this morning, I actually want to be in the kitchen. 11:00. Maybe the others will wake soon. I pin the bodice of my gray dress in place, head to the kitchen, and glance around to get my bearings. A mustard yellow refrigerator. I somehow suspect that it is not nearly new but it is larger than our gasoline powered icebox. I open it and search for eggs, bacon, milk. Mostly, I find beer, ketchup, and pizza. I manage to find some eggs and some milk. Not enough eggs to go around. Especially since I suspect that the guys are big eaters. Pancakes. Flour. I don't notice a bin, it must be in a cupboard. I've always had a knack for finding the necessities in anyone's kitchen. That one, I guess glancing at the space between the sink and the stove. First, I pull open a drawer, the most logical drawer, to grab a fork. I'm startled to find twine, batteries, a variety of mysterious cords, and duct tape. I shrug and open the next logical place. A pile of restaurant menus. I find myself muttering in the German dialect I grew up with and grab a dirty fork from the sink and wash it. Back to the flour. I open the cupboard and a cascade of chip bags and cookies rains down on me. I'm starting to think that I don't have a knack for locating things. Maybe Amish kitchens are just better organized. This time I use words that I certainly didn't learn in my home. I hear a snort behind me and turn to see Four smirking. It must be the sight of the chips falling on me. He wouldn't, couldn't have understood me. I think that I noticed a trace of accent yesterday when I spoke to him but that isn't uncommon with locals, even though they only speak English. "Looking for something?" "Flour." Another snort, but his eyes are laughing. "Not in this kitchen." He opens another door and pulls out a loaf of store bread. "French toast?" I smile and nod. He shrugs, pushes a button on a coffee pot, folds his arms, and leans back. I try to make small talk. The kind that customers seem to enjoy at the greenhouse. Mostly, I'm rewarded by a series of grunts and one word answers. He's working on my nerves. Laughter by the door. "You must have a death wish." Christina smiles and shakes her head. "Four has no patience for nosiness and he doesn't like any conversation before two cups of coffee." I turn to look right into his grumpy face. "Ach, I don't know what you could mean. He's perfectly friendly. Like a bear." He glares right back at me. "Careful… Tris." Uriah walks in rubbing his eyes. He even smiles while he's waking. "Yeah, I always knew there was a reason that you've never had a girl join you for breakfast." Four glares over his cup of coffee then sets it down quietly. "Exactly. Now what's your excuse?" Christina quietly shakes with laughter as he walks out. Zeke and Shauna walk in and glance from face to face. "What did you guys do?" Christina just throws up her hands. Shauns turns to me "Mmmm… smells good in here, Tris. But why are you wearing that?" I look down at my wrinkled gray dress. Apparently the only dress I own. "Well. It was in my closet and it fits." I say ruefully. Shauna exchanges a glance with Christina who responds with a huge smile. "We've got this!" she says and reaches for my hand…


	5. Chapter 5 and 55

**A** **new day and I don't feel so crazy. Who knows if anyone is noticing this silly little story anyway. I still don't own anything Divergent. 2 chapters for the price of one? I'm trying to keep 1 or 2 unpublished chapters at all times so I can go back and revise. I feel like this is writing itself but now there are some things in previous chapters that I don't love. Lt me know if it gets too lame. I'd love feedback. I'm still not too sure what to do with Veronica Roth's villians. Hope you don't object so far. Mostly, as you noticed, this** **is Capital-F-fluffy but it needs some trauma-drama, right?**

**PS- statistical trivia: More people have read chapter 5 than chapter 4 (3.5 and 4) What's up with that?**

_-changing-_

Just then, the door burst open. Shauna looked up with a terse smile. "What's up?" she sighed as three more guests walked in. "Ooohhh. New chick." said the man who walked in first as he moved to lean against the counter where I was standing. He turned to me with a smarmy smile punctuated by a pair of black rings curling around the left side of his lower lip. Matching pieces were scattered about his eyebrows, nose, and ears. I glance up and notice that his companions have equally dark hair but no piercings. Still, their tame appearance doesn't comfort me. They also have equally mocking expressions. "What's with the dress?" asks the girl, raising an eyebrow. "It was in my closet and it fits." I snap. "The sunbonnet is feisty." grins the boy behind her who looks to be about my age. This is what I was afraid of when I got in a car with strangers. Now what? The guy leaning by me asks "Well, isn't anyone going to introduce us?" as he placed one hand on top of my right hand and reached to touch my ponytail with the other. As I looked down and jerked my hand away, I noticed his other hand recoil from my hair quickly. Four's hand was resting on his arm. "No need to introduce her to scum like you. I assume you have a reason for being here? If it's the job offer, my answer is still no." "Keep sleeping on it, Four. You don't want to make a huge mistake." "Keep waiting, then. It's gonna be a while. I don't sleep often." Four states levelly. "Right. Yeah… You know where to find me." The guy shoves himself off the counter and walks out the door, the younger guy behind him. "And you know where to find me." The girl simpers as Four shrugs his arm away from her fingers running down it.

Everyone is silent for a moment. Four walks away. Zeke glances between his back and the door. I let out a big breath that I didn't realize I was holding. Christina speaks up first. "That was Eric, Peter, and Molly. They're Zeke and Uriah's cousins and they live next door. When Zeke's mom got the B&B, they got the other business-" "Yeah," scoffs Zeke "unfortunately for us, it's a successful one, too." I'm sure that I look as confused as I feel. "Drugs." Shauna adds quietly. "You name it, they sell it. Anyway, sorry about that. I would have hoped that you would be here for a few days before experiencing that." A few days? Is she inviting me to stay longer?

"Oh! I almost forgot!" squealed Christina. "Mini make-over!" Shauna smiles and shakes her head, mouthing "sorry" at me. We take the stairs, two at a time and Christina opens a door at the top. "Welcome to Will's future!" she laughs. We stand in a small windowless white room. No, not white. I notice that the wall behind us is deep red. A desk is in front of us against what I see id the bathroom wall. Beyond that, a bedroom. Christine motions for me to sit on a badly padded black metal sofa. "Look! You're one of the first people to sit on our futon!" She flicks on a trio of lights on a column to my side and opens the closet. "Sorry, I don't have too much here." She shakes her head as she tries to shove hangers across the stuffed rack. "It's really Will's room, not mine and my Mom isn't too thrilled that I spend any time here. She's sure that I'm going to get pregnant and miss out on college." My eyelids flutter. I can't believe that anyone would be so candid. She leans back to look at me. "Dress or pants?" "Dress, definitely dress, please" "Alright…this was a favorite last year but I outgrew it a bit. It should do for you. She pulls out a sleeveless dress made from a red plaid that reminds me of a wool blanket on my grandfather's favorite chair. The top looks fitted but the skirt flares on the sides, making the plaid join at odd angles. She gestures to the bedroom and I take the hint. I struggle a bit with the zipper on the back before opening the door and asking for help. She obliges but her face is serious when she turns me to face her. "Two things, Tris. I don't want to sound like a mother, but, you're going to need nicer lingerie. First thing though, I think you're old enough to start shaving under your arms." I feel my face heat up. No one has ever seen my upper arms before. I'm suddenly aware of them being exposed. "Don't worry, I have the sassiest sweater for that, but just in case you want to take it off- here." She pushes me into her bathroom with a pink plastic razor. I see a girl in the mirror who I think might be me but I'm shocked to see her knees. "Christina, I think this dress is too short. Just how much did you grow this year?" There might be hope for me after all. "Oh, not that much." she winks. "I was thinking about how that hem was never so close to my knees. Tell you what. Leggings." She hands me short black leggings with a beaded design on the bottom. Then a pair of canvas sneakers that are just a little too big. I survey the look and I think I approve. "Done?" "Not so fast!" She pulls a chair into the bathroom and I obligingly sit in front of the mirror as she brushes my hair and secures it with a wide black headband. She puts her face near mine and grins. "Ready."

She rushes down stairs, calling for the girls. "Presenting- Tris!" she says with a flourish. The other girls look at me strangely. I think they approve. "Hot Stuff." Shauna smiles. "-and we're not done, yet. I'm pretty sure that I have more things at home that she can wear but we do need to go to Vickie's. Her unmentionables are especially unmentionable." I blush again. "I'll pass" Lynn wrinkles her nose and Shauna sticks her tongue out at her. Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if Miriam was closer to my age. My throat sticks as I think of my sister and I shake my head. I find myself alone in the kitchen, the others have gone to tell the boys of our plans. "Wow. What's with the dress?" I turn to face Four. "What. The. Heck. Yes, you heard me. Can't I wear anything without hearing that question?" He turns his palms to me in mock surrender. "I was going to say it looks nice but I forget that nothing makes women happy. Speaking of happy; you OK, Tris? You looked a bit teary a minute ago. Ready to tuck your tail and return home?" As if I needed to be reminded how hard that would be. I'm fully aware of my status at home. Shunned. "Definitely not, but I do miss my family a bit. It's hard to explain. I don't suppose that you would understand." I try to smile feebly. "Family." He almost whispers the word. "No. I don't suppose that I would."

_-Sparkling-_

As we drive to a nearby shopping mall and walk around, I argue with Christina. I don't think she quite understands that I have only $20 in my purse and I need to budget that to last…forever? I can't argue about needing underwear but I also need food and reliable shelter. How long can this last? I need a job. And underwear, but I'm pretty sure that Mamm never paid this much at the dry goods store. Somehow, we walk through several stores, taking turns trying on and admiring. Christina has a growing pile of bags as do Shauna, Lauren, and Marlene. I still haven't found anything in my budget. We sit down for a snack. "I'm sorry to be ungrateful," I sigh "but can we please go somewhere cheaper?" "Fine," Christina huffs. "but now I don't know what to do with all this." She motions to a small pile of bags at my feet. Each girl had bought me a few of the items that I admired. Tears welled up. I don't deserve this. I can't pay them back. "No, girls. I can't. This is too much. I'm just a stranger." "You can, you will, and you're a friend." "Hey just keep making French toast in the morning and we'll buy you anything." Mar adds. "Uri even chipped in. He was so excited to have something instead of Froot Loops."

We pass a jewelry kiosk on the way out. "Oh, wait, Tori's working." Marlene points out. "Let's stop. I've been wanting to add a new hole to my ear." "Your ear is leaky enough." Lauren elbows her but stops to browse. Soon we're all admiring different pieces as Marlene waits for Tori to finish ringing up an indecisive customer. Next thing I know, Marlene is standing next to us, ready to go. "That was fast." I observe as I check out the little black star adorning a fold in her ear. "Quick and painless!" Tori agrees. Shauna leans across the counter and whispers something to her. Tori nods and turns to me. "Do you think you're up for earrings, Tris? We're running a special special." Earrings. A hole in my ear. It seems so permanent. "Will they disappear if I remove them?" I hesitate. "Weeell, maybe not entirely. You can take them out and the holes will close but there will be scar tissue. I'm afraid that a dimpled area may always show. I'll hold the special until you're sure." Her smile is so understanding. "No. I'm ready now. I need something a little permanent." I need a visible reminder of the door that I've shut. Minutes later, I'm walking on air as we head for the car. One hand clutching papers outlining the care of me ears, the other gently feeling the black crystal studs. I feel too light and free to notice the discomfort.

We pile back into Lauren's car and Mar turns to me, almost shyly. "Tris? I don't want to be rude and I don't want you to feel obligated after what I said back there, but…do you know how to make…cake?" "Of course, I can. I'd love to! Maybe that earns me one pair of underwear?" I laugh. "Yes, it does. How about these?" Christina holds up a pair of purple panties. I can see right through the lace to her smirk. "Put those down! People will see them! I definitely do NOT remember wanting those." Christina pretends to be hurt. "But. You said nothing stringy or little. I thought that you'd like these." "Oh, alright." I roll my eyes and stuff them into bag. "It's not like anyone will know."

On our way home, we stop at Christina's house. Her mother is flipping through a magazine and watching TV. She get up give her a kiss and tells me she's happy to meet me. We walk down her hall to her room and after she clears a spot on the bed they help me chose things from a large box in the bottom of her closet. Mar promises to see if she has anything in my size also. As we leave, Christina's mom passes out hugs; even to me although a feel awkward. She waves a finger at Christina. "Check in tonight and make good choices." Christina recites the last three words with her, making a face. "That's how she guilts us into behaving." Marlene whispers as we leave. "Just a little." Christina smirks.


	6. Chapter 6

**This is my last complete chapter. I feel safe sharing it because I know it's what I want- you'll understand when you read the AN. If there's anybody out there. This is the closest these characters have come to being me and mine... but they definitely are NOT.**

_-crumbling-_

We get back to the house and Shauna grabs a trash bag and heads into the 'crash room'. She starts to empty the contents of a pair of cabinets under the built in bookshelf lining the wall. She turns to me. "Look. Normally I wouldn't do this. In the beginning, the boys agreed to share this house. Officially I'm the only girl here, at least until Christina graduates high school. I don't think she's made up her mind yet if she's moving in or not. You've seen her room… that girl needs space! _Anyway,"_ her eyes turn serious again "I try not to encourage the moochers like my sister…" Lynn is flopped on her mattress looking intently at her phone. A pillow flies and hits Shauna in the head. "…from getting too comfortable here. Many reasons. However, looks like you have nowhere else. We're stuck with you, aren't we?" She puts one last thing on her 'keep' pile. "Here ya go, kid. You can keep your stuff here."

After emptying my bags, I sit back and admire my work. I have small piles of skirts, leggings, shirts, and two sweaters. I changed into one pair of new shoes and placed the other in the cabinet. The two empty boxes hold socks and tights and underclothes. I think Lynn shoots me a look of envy but she smiles as I look up. "Sorry," she shrugs "I'm guessing that you aren't interested in any of _my_ hand-me-downs." She's probably right. Her baggy sweatshirt is cut so that it hangs off her shoulder, showing off her red bra strap and over her torn stockings, she's wearing shorts that appear to be made out of some type of plastic. I could never wear something like that although I notice that it looks cute on her. Christina told me that my style is 'rockabilly'. I'll have to trust her on that because she made some good choices. A lot of black, like the others. I enjoy seeing the bright colors that I've never been allowed to wear before- like red- but black is comforting; a color I've worn nearly every day of my life.

I head to the kitchen and flip through the recipe book we got at the grocery store. I find 'Dauntless Mocha Cake'. It intrigues me because it contains coffee and a nutty alcohol that Zeke assures me we- they- have. It has several steps but it smells delicious as it's cooking. The house is quiet; my friends all seem to be doing their own thing. I decide to make a coffee cake for tomorrow's breakfast. It's easy and I whip it up by memory. While it cools, I ice the 'Dauntless Cake.' I test the coffee cake pan. Cool. I pick it up to put it in the fridge. I hear a cool voice behind me as I turn.

"Well. Look who's playing dress-up with the big kids. I don't know who you think you are or what you think you're doing, but you. don't. belong. here. little. girl." She clips each word distinctly. "I don't _think_ I'm doing anything." I copy her cool tone. "So," she steps closer with a taunting expression and grabs my cake, pinching a chunk from the top "what would you do if I start doing this?" She throws the chunk at my forehead and pinches another. I realize nothing is really lost as I note that the center of the cake is still gooey. Ooops. As she tosses the next piece at me I feel my arm reaching out. I flick the pan towards her, clocking the glass rim against her chin and getting crumbly gooey cake on her chest. What is with me? The second time in two days that I do something recklessly impulsive. I notice that I don't feel a bit sorry. "You bitch!" she shrieks at me. I duck as she tries to hit me with the pan. Lynn, Marlene, and Lauren appear from different directions. "I thought there was a commotion." Lauren states dryly as Marlene and Lynn pull Molly and me apart. "Molly. Go." Marlene points her towards the door. "Fine. Fine." Molly shakes off Mar's hands. "Tell Four that I'll stop by later- when this psycho isn't around." I stare at her departing back and the mess on the floor. My resolve crumbles like the cake. "Maybe I should just go home." I sigh, near tears. "Ooooh no you don't." Lynn says as she releases her grip on me. "If it's you or Molly, we're keeping you around, sister." I look up as I hear a chuckle at the door. Uri smirks as he takes in the scene. "Yeah. Look at you. If we let you step outside, birds will feast at your hair." I reach up and flick some crumbs from me. I momentarily shudder thinking of the intimidating large flocks of crows that land in our fields before joining in the laughter.

**AN- LOL what do you think? That was loosely modeled after the infamous "Cake Pan Fight of 199- never mind" I took home-ec classes with a couple bully-bitches. One in particular. One day she threatened me with her underdone cake. I don't exactly remember the details but I pushed her cake onto her and threatened to hit her with my overdone cake. I remember one of my best friends picking crumbs out of my hair and joking about the birds. **

**It was well worth the suspension. ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Still reading? Still don't own any characters, living or deceased. **

**I don't even own a bottle of Frangelico :(**

_-planning-_

Shauna and Zeke appear, holding hands and looking flushed. Seeing their quizzical looks, we update them on my "conversation" with Molly. Shauna gives me a look of…pride? "What did she want anyway?" "Guess." says Lauren wryly. "Oh." Shauna rolls her eyes. "That girl is dense. Actually, where is he?" "In the barn, hitting the bag." Uri answers. "We both work the front half tonight." Lauren adds. "Good! That's what we were hoping. You guys will be back a little after midnight. Zeke and I thought maybe we'd have a little get to know you party for our new 'initiate'." "Yeah. Put that surviving cake to use." Zeke glances longingly at the counter. Uri follows his gaze and looks like he might drool. "Not big or overwhelming." Shauna adds, she names 2 people and Lauren nods in approval. "Renee." Uri adds. "Kade." says Marlene giving him an icy look. "Lynn?" She shrugs. "Jodi." "Well then, that's set." Shauna smiles. Uri looks up from his phone. "Ren wants to know if we're playing Truth or Dare. Guess she's deciding if she needs extra layers." "No." Shauna shakes her head. "I thought that Never would be more fair for Tris. No need for extra layers- we'll play for shots." Uri looks downcast. "What's up, bro?" Zeke asks. You like shots. "Yeah, but if we play for clothes, I can still have shots. If we play for shots- no one takes anything off." I'm starting to wonder what kind of parties my new friends have. "Look." Shauna explains. "Tris is obviously our most innocent and the one that will be most affected by alcohol. Innocence means few shots, fewer shots means healthier breathing Tris. It's just fair. Besides, we just got her _into_ those clothes. Let her enjoy them." Uri nods in assent.

We head out to the barn to clean up a bit from last night. Four was leaving as we walked in, towel wrapped around his neck, white tape wrapped around his knuckles. Lauren, glanced at her phone. "Oh! I better get ready for work, too." The rest of us start picking up trash and bottles. When all is set, we sit at the bar and they have me sample drops of different alcohols from a straw. Some are disgusting, some hurt, but some are delicious. I settle on the same nutty drink that went into my cake. "Alright," Zeke says "it's going to be a long fun night. I suggest everyone head to bed and take a nap." He nudges Shauna and winks at her. Lauren rolls her eyes and makes a gaggy face. I blush. I'm pretty sure I get the joke.

-FOUR-

Lauren and I hop into my beat up yellow mustang. On the to The Tavern, she updates me on today's events and tonight's plans. I shake my head in wonderment. I'm not sure what to make of that girl. I suspect that she's more complex than I imagined. "She seems eager to pull her weight." Lauren is adding. "I really don't know how this works. She's not quite 18 so she's not legally an adult, but it seems that in her world, she's no longer a minor…" I nod. "I think that's how it works." I say cautiously. "I think some girls her age are already married." Lauren looks surprised. "There's a reason she left them." She quotes me softly. "Yeah. I…um…talked to someone once. If that guy was planning on 'driving' her around…he was probably only weeks away from proposing." "Weeks?!" Now Lauren looks scandalized. "Do you think he's heartbroken? Do you think she'll go back to him? Would he take her?" I snort. "Look at her. I doubt that he has a clue what he's missing. I'm not sure there is an Amish guy out there with the stones to live with her…and I think that deep down, she knows it."

"Ok…So. Almost but not exactly an adult. No parents or guardians. I suppose she could turn 18 in the time it would take to legally sort that out. I don't suppose she has a driver's license in that purse…do you think she has a social security number?" "Doubt it." I say. Hell, she probably doesn't even have a birth certificate on file. As far as the state is concerned, she probably doesn't exist. I laugh a bit. Sounds like just what Molly would want. "What?" "Nothing. Go on." "Well… I was thinking… maybe… DoyouthinkJohannawouldgiveherajob?" she blurts out. I smile at her. It's amazing how often she seems to know what I'm thinking. It's kind of- nice. "What?" she asks again, "Is the grumpy, scary Four…smiling?" She turns serious and drops her voice to a whisper even though we're alone. "Anyways, do you think she would? I mean, I've heard that she'll…pay under the table…for a good cause." I nod. "I've heard that, too. I guess it can't hurt to ask." Again, I pick my words cautiously. Lauren nods thoughtfully. "I hope we get a chance to talk to her tonight." I gesture towards the clock on the dash. "Why do you think we're 15 minutes early?" She grins at me. "What?" this time I ask the question with mock irritation. Lauren just laughs and adds, "Besides, it would be nice to have the chance to see her more often…don't you think?" She looks at me slyly. I frown at her. It's amazing how often she seems to know what I'm thinking. It's kind of- irritating.

We look at each other before we knock on Johanna's office in synchrony. "Open…" she calls. She's perched on a corner of her desk in a typical-Johanna hippie skirt and loose shirt. She's like a love child but a long faint scar hints at a violent past that she never mentions. We explain the situation and she nods thoughtfully. She steeples her hands in front of her. "Hmmm. I don't know what you two may or may not have heard but I do NOT make it a habit to hire undocumented workers. I could get in a LOT of trouble. I could lose everything." She avoids looking at me. Lauren looks crestfallen. "But…" she lowers her voice. "I _could_ use another bartender and _might_ be able to make an exception… Ex-Amish, huh? Do you think she could handle it?" "Well, she's probably good with recipes." I joke. "We'll coach her." Lauren adds. "OK. Next Thursday?" Johanna isn't really asking. Lauren and I smile at each other.

I clock in and take my seat by the door. It's still early and my thoughts drift. Earlier today, I considered the possibility of Tris bartending for The Tav with mixed feelings. It's not really a bad club, especially the front grill but the patrons can get obnoxious when drunk. When I started as a bartender, the way I noticed female patrons and staff being treated often made me furious. I hated knowing that I was the one who served the drink that tipped their mood. I'm much more content in my current job- roughing up customers who mistreat the ladies is satisfying. I decided that I could keep her safe during and after shifts when we work together and pull a favor to ask the other guys to do the same when we don't. Now, after hearing how she stood up to Molly, I'm even less worried. I'm secretly proud of her for putting Molly in her place. I wish I could but I'm determined that I will never be the monster who hurts a woman. Never.

I snap to attention and grab my ID scanner as the first group walks up. A bachelorette party. I make a mental count and note to keep an eye on them. Scum is attracted to bachelorette like moths to flame. I'd like to see all…_1,2,…11_ girls leave together.

The night passes quickly. The band is good and so is the mood. I gently escort one girl who started to unbutton her pants on the dance floor, leaving her in the company of a sober girlfriend. I hand her a plastic bag and rubber hairband before she leaves and her friend smiles appreciatively. Later, I tackle and take out a guy who jumped on top of a speaker and wiggled his bare hairy butt at the crowd. He was definitely less appreciative and tried to punch me in the parking lot. I dropped him with careful pinch to the neck and deposited him in a waiting cab.

Soon, it's midnight. The crowd has tapered down. I crack my knuckles and clock out, Brian will babysit them until we close at 2.

I meet up with Lauren in the staff room. "Ready for the next party?" She watches me closely as she asks. I groan. "Ugh. Don't remind me. A Zeke and Uri game night…" She elbows me. "Maybe they already got all the questions about kissing and _girl cooties_ out of the way." She does know me well. Probably well enough to know that I'm not dreading this party as much as I usually do.

We hear laughing and cheering as we walk into the barn. "Hey! My Man!" Zeke yells. It's obvious by his loud slur that several things that he has done have already been mentioned. I notice Tris is shaking her head and setting down and empty shot glass. I wonder what "sin" she just confessed to. I always worry when I see ladies of her size drinking shots. I'm relieved to see the distinctive brown bottle she picks up to refill the glass. I know it's a relatively low alcohol volume. She'll be OK.

I pull up a chair, backwards, and straddle the back. I prepare for the worst


	8. Chapter 8

**It's a longish chapter but hopefully a bit funny. I'm actually fairly certain that I've never ever played never have I ever, but who knows... I did once try to convince my friend that my birth month was Wednesday. I guess I don't remember everything. I did try to stir my memories. I listened to The Ramones, Rancid, Violent Femmes, Hey Man Nice Shot (Ian's song), and More Human than Human (Tim's song). I laughed a lot. Probably more than you will.**

**I don't own anything that was born in Veronica Roth's imagination. I don't own sanity. I do own my crazy memories... the ones I can find.**

chapter eight, eight, I forget what eight was for...

-_playing-_

I'm a bit nervous as I sit in the barn waiting for the new guests. I'm introduced to Roxy and Angel, who settle on the sofa and kiss; Lynn's friend, Jodi; and Uri and Marlene's dates. Zeke is playing music with a strong but fun beat and Shauna opens up some pretzels. Everyone but me has a drink already. I decide to wait for the game. "Don't forget, Tris made cake!" Christina gets a knife and plates and starts passing it out. Uri scarf his down and Shauna smacks him as he reaches for seconds. "Do you want Four to kill you? We're saving those." He licks the last icing off his paper plate, folds it a bit and places it on my head. He grabs my hand and swings it into the air. "Tris! Queen of Cake!" he announces. I'm just glad it was better than the gooey coffee cake.

Too soon, we gather around the plastic table that we set up and start filling our glasses. "Halfway is fine." Will cautions. Uri throws a pretzel at him and calls him a pansycake. "That's not even a thing." Will retorts.

Shauna drums on the table and stands on her chair. Listen up! We're starting out easy. Keep it G rated for the first round, no more than PG the next, the third round may be R, after that… well… good luck, Tris. Mar, you start so Tris finishes. Roxy stares across the table at me as if she just noticed me, although we were introduced. "No make-up, very quiet, G questions…Just how 'innocent' are we talking here?" Christina leans over towards me. "I guess we'll find out." "You know what they say, 'it's always the quiet ones'" Mar says, scooting to wrap an arm around me. "Fair enough." Roxy smiles. I'm grateful for their tact. I really didn't want to share too much with all of these people. My new friends have been great but I can tell that they don't quite get it and feel a little awkward. I also don't like feeling like a 'project' taken on out of pity. I'm hoping that the new people will give me an unbiased idea of whether or not I can fit in here.

The first three rounds seem to fly by. We learned who skipped school and where they went instead (mostly the diner and skate park), who's has jumped onto trains, who has snuck into college parties, who has been so high she forgot her birthday (Lynn actually thought that 'Wednesday' was the name of a month!) and who has lied about sleeping over at a friend's house. "So far, she's keeping up." Roxy notes as I admit to keeping a crush secret from my best friend and my parents. Two shots. I ask one more question, with help from Christina. It's Marlene's turn. Oh no. This is where it gets real.

"Never have I ever gone to a nude beach"…

I try not to be uncomfortable at the subsequent questions. Christina graciously reels it in so I can have an easier time asking mine. Again, her whispered suggestion. (Never have I ever smoked in the school bathroom. I laughed picturing the outhouse behind the school. It would have been my luck to burn it down) Another cycle and it's back to me.

"Never have I ever read a magazine showing so much skin that I had to hide it from my parents." I'm not sure what their parents consider too much skin but if my aunt had seen me reading that magazine at work, my parents would have been angry. I'd probably get a lecture from Elder Miller. I drink my shot. Angel gives me a good natured cheer and I realize that all the boys but only half the girls were holding empty glasses. I laugh and set it down with a thunk that I hope is sassy.

"Hey! My man!" Zeke yells, not entirely clearly. Four and Tris walk in and take seats on either side of Marlene. She doesn't even seem to notice that Four is between her and her date. There was a lot of space there, anyway. Shauna suggests that Lauren goes next. I pretend not to notice or show my relief that my turn was skipped.

"Never have I ever had sex in the backseat of a car." Nearly everyone takes a drink. "Really Lauren? Never?" "Nope. Now the _front_ seat…"

Mar: "Never have I ever gone streaking." Uri and Zeke share a high five as they grab their glasses.

Four: "Never have I ever woken other people up by being too loud during sex." He points to his housemates and another player. Lynn points to Renee "I think camping counts."

Kade: "Never have I ever had sex while camping." A few drinks disappear.

Jodi: "Never have I ever had sex in a sleeping bag." Only Lynn takes a drink. "Really? That's _possible_?" I blurt out. She opens her mouth but I interrupt. "No. I'd rather not know." Christina laughs, "Too bad, Tris. _I _want to know." "Me, too." Jodi says, a bit flushed.

I zone out a bit as the next 3 players list things that never have I ever even thought of.

Renee: "Never have I ever bruised my buttbone." Everyone takes a drink, even me. "That's why I stay off skateboards." She tells me. "Waaaait? Doooo yoooou skateboard?" I laugh at the question and the tipsy way she draws out her words. "No, but I did fall from a tree, a horse, a shed,…oh, and a fence." I tick off the falls on my fingers. The others laugh, except Four who just looks at me oddly. Like he knows a secret.

Uri: "Never have I ever kicked a guy in the nuts ON PURPOSE." He glares at Marlene who huffs and shakes her glass at him before emptying it. "Hey. You scared the crap out of me. Who DOES that?" "Who does WHAT?" someone asks. "A bunch of us crashed here in the barn one night after a bon fire and I woke up thirsty. As I was carefully finding my way in the dark, he tried to put me in a head lock. I was afraid it was Peter or Eric!" Lynn laughs. "His girly scream woke us all up." I notice her glass is also empty.

Zeke: "Never have I ever woken up under a coffee table." Only Four takes a drink. "I thought there is a rule against baiting specific players." He grumbles. "That rule is suspended tonight, my friend. We're playing so Tris can get to know us."

Shauna- "Never have I ever run away from home." I giggle and take a drink. Is this stuff getting yummier? I'm startled to notice that Four and Jodi also needed to refill. He looks uncomfortable. "Lynn, have you forgotten when you were 9?" Shauna laughs and I forget Four. "Oh, yeah… I dragged two bags of clothes across town to Aunt Jane's house because Mom wouldn't change my bed time." "I had begged her not to." Shauna confesses. "You bitch!" Lynn lifts her middle finger.

Will: "Never have I ever accepted a ride from total strangers." Me again. Four looks over at me with concern "About that. Please don't ever do that again."

Christina: "Never have I ever tried to hide a secret in a public bathroom trashcan." She winks at me. I think they're ganging up on me! Shauna and Uri also drink. I look at them curiously. "Pregnancy test." "Report card." They each confess.

Me: "Never have I ever gone on a date with someone I'm not sure about." So apparently, I'm the only one who left a poor guy hanging.

Lauren: "Never have I ever let a friend buy me purple lace underwear." Christina and Marlene burst out laughing. I try to look tough but they are so funny. "I didn't exactly _'let'_ anyone buy that. They just got waved in my face and it was too late." Christina is barely balancing on her chair. "I'm sorry, I promise that I'll take your opinion into consideration next time- sooo, just so I know- are they comfortable?" "Surprisingly, yes." I answer impulsively before clapping my hand over my mouth. Christina hits the floor.

Marlene's turn. She looks at me mischievously. Four looks at me and rests a hand on her shoulder. "Wait. Let me go." She nods nervously. "Never have I ever… personally picked out and paid for purple lace underwear" I can't tell if he's teasing me or rescuing me but I suspect that missing a drink is a good thing. He suggests a break as several player take their penalty. Shauna shows him the cake that she managed to save for him and Lauren and his eyes light up. He makes his way over to the bar area and fills up two glasses of water. He pushes one over to me as he drops in the chair next to mine. "I promise, you will regret it if you don't drink this." There is some trading of drinks and seats as the others sit down.

"Never have I ever had a fake ID." Shauna says smugly. Lauren, Zeke, and Four. "No fair. That's because you had Zeke as your errand boy." Lauren protests. For some reason, I laugh. She is just so funny tonight. "Don't get all high and mighty over there." Lauren wags a finger at me. "You don't have_ any_ ID, do you? No, you don't. So you're getting one. So… There!" Is she serious?

We play some more and gradually settle into idle chit chat and gossip. I'm quiet since I don't know the people and places they are talking about. Four mixes my last shot with a glass of icy coke to make it last longer but it's still emptying quickly as I drink absentmindedly. I refill my glass from a can on the table and reach for the alcohol. He touches my arm lightly. "Careful, Tris." He's barely audible. Why does he keep saying that to me? I pour a measured shot anyway. Halfway through my drink, I feel a bit wobbly. I reach down and lean my hand on the seat of my chair. For just a second, I think I feel a brush over my hand, next to my thigh. I see Four draw his hand away, hastily as if I did something to annoy him. My stomach flutters and I don't know if it's the almost touch or the drink. Either way- _get it together, Tris_. I push the drink away and scold myself for thinking anything of his hand.

He stands up. He's gone.

He's back. So is my water and a handful of pretzels.

I turn to thank him but he's looking intently across the table at Lauren. He wants her to notice him.

She does. She raises her jeweled eyebrow. I wonder if I'm feeling nauseous or disappointed.

He tilts his head towards Renee, next to her. He drops his gaze to his lap. I stare at my water. I never noticed the little bubbles in ice. Lauren disappears as she leans to look under the table and is laughing as her head pops up.

I glance at him. He looks uncomfortable. Renee's bare foot is in his lap; she's rubbing his thigh with her toes.

Uri doesn't notice; he's mixing a new drink for Marlene. I think Kade went home.

Lauren puts her arm around Renee. "Come on, little girl. Let's take a walk."

I laugh until I notice the bubbles again.

"Tris? Triiis?" I see Christina in front of me. "I'm not ready to wake up." I'm not sure if that was in English or Dutch.

"Tris. Look at me." I see Four. No, two Fours. "Eight!" I half squeal, half mumble. I close my eyes before seeing his reaction.

I feel myself lifted. Carried. Placed in bed. Turned on my side. "She's going to hurt in the morning, but I think she's fine. I'll keep an eye on her. It's not like I sleep well anyway." Who's talking? Who are they talking about? I fall asleep and dream of blue.

I feel the pain of the sunlight before I see it. I run towards the bathroom. Lynn and Marlene meet me outside the door. Their looks are sympathetic. Lynn hands me two brown pills and a small cup of water. Marlene follows me with a cup of thick green…something. "Four made it before he went to bed this morning. He told me to make sure that you drink it all." My stomach flops a little


	9. Music and musings

div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;" /div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"Music and musings/div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;" /div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"emSo. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this to ya'll. Writing a long author note, that is. /em/div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"emI also promised myself that I wouldn't beg or blackmail for reviews of comments. I figured that after a point, they would just naturally happen. Not so much. I know that I don't comment on every story that I follow. But. I'm breaking that promise, too. Begging- not blackmail. I promise YOU that I won't do that. I'm just hoping this is going OK. I don't think I've written anything since a technical article on an ICU sedative in my last college class. Seriously. Pretty please? What's good, what needs lots of improvement and how? I know there are many awesome writers and creative minds here. Any suggestions for plot twists? I have vague ideas but I'm not sure when they'll be ready to emerge. /em/div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;" /div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"The other thing, /div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;" /div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"emspan style="font-size: 17px;"You know how some authors are pumping out stories because summer break is starting? And I'm over here all "Oh no. Summer. Busy busy." I tried to do as much as I could while school was in session because I had my week free. School is over. My daughter is home and playful. My FT summer job as Girl Scout camp nurse starts up Monday. I set my own hours and a lot of time will be hanging out quietly in my office between bandaids but for the first 2 weeks I'll be writing protocols, not stories. Also, it helped that this week, I've been sinus sick as a dog and my husband is out of town so he doesn't see me reading all day and writing at 2 am. Starting tomorrow, I need to up the Lexapro and get my butt in gear. /spanbr /span style="font-size: 17px;"Right now, I'm free but limited to typing on my phone. We're at the after school pool party. My asoundtrack is "Cha Cha Slide" and "Back it Up" (wobble wobble). Should Tris learn to twerk? Will we call her Shawty? Will she wear Apple Bottoms jeans? (Probably not, I imagine her as a Lucky girl) I'm having a blast watching some of my favorite local teens and mentally assigning their personalities to Divergent characters. /spanbr /span style="font-size: 17px;"So anyway. Atmosphere is better suited for me to skip a chapter. I might write 2 at once as song styles change here. I can write chapter 9 better to Pompeii and fun., saving chapter 10 for the hip hop tracks. /spanbr /br /span style="font-size: 17px;"*as I was getting ready to publish this, the DJ played Bruno Mars "Count on Me". As I zoned out to sing along I realized that until further notice that is the official song of this story. /span/em/div  
div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;" /div  
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div style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;" /div 


	10. Chapter 10

**I finally organized a few chapter outlines into some sort of sequence and split one up. So here we go with 9 and 10. **

**I don't own anything!**

_-adjusting-_

The rest of Saturday is a bit of a blur. Most of us sleep in. In my case, mostly to avoid being aware of how bad I feel. Christina comes down to give me a hug in the mid afternoon. She's going home for the evening and the rest of the weekend and is going to drop Marlene off at her home. They confess that they have a paper to finish before Monday. Lynn stuffs her clothes into her bag as well. Her parents are coming over for dinner. There will be no parties tonight- Lauren and Four are working full shifts. Saturdays are usually busy. Will sees no reason to stay, besides, he looks forward to spending Sunday watching sports with his Dad.

Our quiet group watches a movie in the den. Shauna and Zeke laying together on the largest couch snuggled in a blanket. The rest of us scattered about. I'm only half interested.

"He-llooo." A voice calls from the kitchen. "Mom!" Shauna jumps up, brushing down her shirt and giving her an enthusiastic hug. Lynn grumbles a bit but seems secretly happy to see her. "You must be Tris," she offers her hand, "I've been hearing a bit about you. Pretty name…I guess it suits you. I'm Cindy but almost everyone here calls me Mom." We look at each other for a moment. Cindy has long blond hair that's puffed on top and partially pulled back in a clip. She is also petite and slim like me. We could pass for mother and daughter other than the fact that her black scoop neck top shows off ample cleavage, adorned with a rose tattoo. Lynn introduces me to her father simply as "Pop". He has a gray crew-cut, large nose, and permanent smile and is holding two large bags of food. Mom and Pop start opening several little white boxes of food as Shauna grabs a pile of mis-matched plates and silverware. "What's your favorite, Tris?" Mom asked. I feel slightly green as I survey the choices. "Well, umm…" Mom smiles, "Sounds like you're like me, a little of everything?" "Hey, Mom..." Shauna pokes her head in the door, "can you point out the milder stuff? Tris had sort of a rough night… and she's not huge on Chinese. Load her up on the rice." She winks at me.

I wake up early on Sunday and the house seems especially lonely. I'm alone in the room; Four dropped Lauren off at her own apartment after work. I feel a pang of sadness as I think of my family. It's a church week. By now, they are all up, have had breakfast, and chores are done. They'll be leaving early to arrive at the Yoder's for the socializing before the long church service. Afterwards, there will be a huge communal lunch. After serving and cleaning up from the meal, and before gathering for the usual Sunday evening singing, there would be plenty of time for my girlfriends and me to socialize and relax. I'll miss seeing Katie and Arlene and the other girls my age. I'm sure that I'll be the biggest topic of discussion. That thought amuses me. I've never been that interesting before. Almost nobody is. Not since the drama with Elder Miller's son. The more I think about it, the more I wonder what we did talk about all that time. I probably got closer to Christina in 3 days than to Katie, my cousin, in almost 18 years. I don't know if Katie ever had a crush on a boy, lied to her parents, or read a fashion magazine. Crazy. I suddenly realize that my only regret is the whispers that my parents will face.

I walk out to the kitchen and, although this is a day of rest, I carelessly start cleaning. Shauna walks downstairs rubbing her eyes. "God, Tris, give it a rest. A little mess never hurt. Relax. It's a weekend; do something you like." I smile, then frown. I actually have no idea what I like.

_-training-_

"Arghhh!" I smack my hand into the bar in frustration. Lauren and Four just look amused. They started training me for my job as a bartender. I've got the recipes for common drinks down in my mind but I don't think I'll ever get the pour right. I've been trying for almost an hour. I can count the beat, even as they try to confuse me with different types of club music, but I always seem to move my hand too early or too late or miss the cup entirely. I mop my spill again. "I can't just measure with the jigger like I've been doing?" Lauren smiles, "No, not really. Sometimes we do, but mostly, the customers expect a free pour and Johanna expects it to be accurate. Take break, though. Tonight's homework is the same- listen to that playlist and get to know the songs. You can try the pour before work tomorrow. I think I'm heading home, guys."

I start putting away the few supplies in front of me away and Four sits down on a stool to look at me at eye level. "Look. I wanted to talk to you about this job but I didn't want Lauren- or you- to think I'm babying you. Johanna's a decent person and she runs a clean business. Ask Eric, she's had it out with him a few times. So the crowd is usually decent but some occasional bands attract rough crowd. Unfortunately, we've got one of those next weekend. Not too many ladies come out to see them, too much testosterone chasing the few that do. That's where I come in. I break up fights and kick them out. They get kicked out if they harass the band, the other partiers, or you. And they will sometimes harass you. Especially you. You have…ummm…a certain innocence that is going to attract them for all the wrong reasons. They don't get to touch you. At all. You'll be working with Jane and Carina. Carina is tough. A biker girl in hippie skirts. She knows half the clientele personally, but don't depend on her to steer you wrong. She's too close to see some of them for who they are and she doesn't like new girls too much anyway. Jane's slim but tall; witty. Her boyfriend is in a band and deals drugs on the side. They won't mess with her. That leaves you. Try to observe. I don't want you getting too friendly or letting anyone think they can take you home but I do want you to be friendly enough that you get a feel for who they are. That way, you'll see the personality switch as they get a little drunk and let loose. That's the point of their night. But watch for that next change. The change that says they've had enough. Done. There are legal repercussions to the bar if you over-serve but there can be personal repercussions to you. The last girl quit because a guy she was serving all night followed her into the cooler. Same crappy band, by the way, and they are on thin ice with Johanna."

Suddenly I'm overwhelmed and I just want to go home.

He quickly reaches out and touches the back of my hair tenderly for a moment before pulling me towards him roughly. My face is in his chest and I notice his masculine scent.

"Hey. I'm sorry. Don't look so scared. I knew I shouldn't have said it. We won't let anything happen. I'm telling you this because the more you know, the safer you are and right now... Well...there's a lot you were never allowed to know." He steps back and looks at me. I didn't need the hug as much as he thought but I'm sorry to feel the empty space where he was a moment ago. "Hey, look how Molly ended up and she was only annoying you. You're tougher than I remember."


End file.
